Scott's Hope Collage

As I was reading blogs this week I found some friends who had a Hope Collage made by another mommy who has an angel baby.first baby Jenna died when she was just 13 days old. Franchesca started Abiding Hope Collages - A Lifetime of Words not Spoken. I am so grateful for her desire to help so many families with angel babies.

One Year

I buried my precious baby boy one year ago. I will be forever grateful for the opportunity we had to bury him. The last year was easier having a place to go to feel close to him. I look forward to going to the cemetery today and taking flowers.

I love you Scott! I miss you!

Memorial Day

I love to visit cemeteries on Memorial Day. Growing up, my family drove to Idaho every year to visit my great grandparents' graves. I have so many wonderful memories of those trips. I am grateful to be able to have a place to go and think about and celebrate Scott. (check out Scott's blog)

After visiting Scott's grave we went to my grandpa's grave and to lunch with Grandma Great. Then we went to Joe's Uncle's grave and his grandparents. I hope Hayden and Parker will always know that Memorial Day is not just a day off work/school to have a barbecue to kick of summer. It is time to think of those who have gone before us.

When we were finished visiting cemeteries we had a great evening with Joe's family.

We played Boccie.

Hayden got Grandpa to do whatever he said.

Most importantly we celebrated Jill's birthday with chocolate cake and home-made strawberry ice cream. Unfortunately Jill was in Europe and missed her own party.

New Blog

I have a new blog that is about Scott. I have moved posts from this blog to the new one. I am happy to be able to have one just for him where I can find things easier and will be able to put my thoughts somewhere.

http://scottlelandyoung.blogspot.com/

I Love to See the Temple

I am so grateful to live so close to so many temples. From my office window I can see the Jordan River Temple. While I am on my treadmill in the morning I always enjoy looking at the beautiful temple all lit up.

From the road right by my house I can see three temples all at once, Jordan River, Oquirrh Mountain, and Draper. Not many people can say that. I feel so blessed.

It has been fun watching the construction of the Oquirrh Mountain temple. We pass it many times a week. Hayden always says, "there's a temple over there." and points to the temple. He always asks us to sing "The Temple Cool Song."

Last weekend we were able to attend the Draper temple open house. It was so nice to be able to take my boys to the temple with me. I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. If I did not have the knowledge of eternal families I would never be able to handle the death of my precious baby Scott. When we sat in the sealing room at the draper Temple they spoke of losing loved ones and the opportunity we have to return to live with them again. I felt the spirit very strongly in that moment. I feel so close to Scott whenever I am in the temple.

I promise to live my life in a way that I can be with Scott and the rest of my family forever.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Scott!

Hayden and Joe wearing their matching shirts that say

"We Have Footprints on Our Heart"

I can't believe a year has gone by already. A year ago I would have never imagined celebrating my child's fist birthday without him. I know things are they way they are supposed to be but oh how I wish things were different. I has been a very hard year without him. I miss him so much. I love him more than anyone could ever imagine. I wish Scott were here with us each and everyday.

We have had a good day today taking extra time to remember Scott. I felt like I really needed to go to church today. So yes, I took my 9 day old baby to Sacrament meeting. After lots of pondering we decided that for Scott's birthday we would by a few copies of some books we read after Scott died and take them to the hospital to be given to people when they lose a baby. We bought "Gone Too Soon" and "We Were Gonna Have a Baby But We Had an Angel Instead." We took the books along with some cards to the hospital right after church. It was hard for me to try and explain why we were there, but I did OK.


This afternoon/evening we invited our families to go visit Scott's grave with us. We took some pretty white and yellow carnations. After the cemetery we came back to our house for some birthday cake. I made an angel food cake for my sweet little angel's birthday.

We went to the cemetery early for Joe to make us a path to the headstone.

I am so grateful for the support of family and friends. I am so grateful for Joe and his patience with me this past year. I know it isn't easy for him to see me so sad and crying because I miss Scott. He always just holds me and tells me he loves me.

Mixed Emotions

I was so excited to come to the hospital today knowing I was going to give birth to my baby boy but I was also very nervous as I remembered the pain of having a c-section, epidural, IV, catheter, etc. As I entered the labor and delivery unit the desk nurse was with someone and asked me to have a seat and wait for a moment. As soon as I sat down I noticed a box on the counter. I knew immediately what it contained. It is the box that contains the hand and feet molds of a baby who died. I was overcome with sadness not only thinking about my Scott but for the mother and father of that baby, knowing the grief they are dealing with.

The labor room I was taken to was the room right next to the one were I gave birth to Scott. I was so afraid the nurse was taking me to the same room but turned one door sooner. I was grateful it wasn't the same room (I would have asked for a different room). Joe could tell something was wrong and asked me what I was thinking about. I said I didn't want to talk about it but he knew I was thinking about Scott and I couldn't help the tears from falling.

While I was in the operating room Joe sat right next to me and held my hand. When the baby was born I heard him cry a sweet little cry. The tears started flowing immediately. Al I could say to myself is "he's alive, he's alive." I was so grateful for the sounds of a crying baby. I remember while I labored with Scott hoping and praying the doctors and nurses would be wrong and that he would be born alive. I waited to hear the sounds of a crying baby but he was born still and silent.

Oh how I miss my little Scott. I love Parker so much. I love him for who he is but it will never take away from the love I have for Scott and will never replace him. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for each one of my precious baby boys. I am grateful to have Hayden and Parker here on Earth with me. I am equally grateful to have Scott as my angel baby and I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with him. I keep finding myself wishing Parker could talk and tell me about his brother Scott.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has allowed me to be a mother. Words cannot express the love I feel as I hold my sweet children.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

A while ago I read about this book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCraken on The Book Nest. It is about a woman whose first child was stillborn.

There were many parts of the book that stated my feeling so well. Here are some quotes from the book that echo my feelings.

...a person who is dead is a long, long story. You may move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends might say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead.

I would have done the whole thing over again even knowing how it would end.

I had just stepped over the border from happy pregnancy to grief.

He was a person. I missed him like a person. Seeing babies on streets did not stab me with pain the way I know they stab some grieving women, those who have lost children or simply desperately want to have them. For me, other babies were other babies. They weren't who I was missing.

Before Pudding (Scott) died, I'd thought condolence notes were simply small bits of old-fashioned etiquette, important but universally acknowledged as inadequate gestures. Now they felt like oxygen, and only now do I fully understand why: to know that other people were sad made Pudding (Scott) more real.

My grief was still fresh, grief last longer than sympathy.

I didn't know the woman, but I loved her. I'd felt the same thing meeting another couple on campus, a professor and his wife who'd written me when Pudding died to send condolences and to say that they'd had a daughter who was stillborn nearly thirty years before. All I can say is, it's sort of a kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief.

Twice now I've heard the story of someone who knows someones who's had a stillborn since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do not to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just so I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This doesn't have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visible.

If you are a mother of a dead child yourself-they will keep coming to you.

I did know him, not with my brain but with my body.

We'd known all along I'd be induce, and I'd said that I wanted to avoid the end of April, particularly April 27, not for my sake but for the kid's; it seemed like a too weighty fact to have in your biography, being born a year to the day after your brother who didn't survive.

Edward (Joseph) had shouldered a great deal in the past few days, he had pushed his enormous pain aside to tend to me.

I find myself thankful for small things.

...she wanted permission to remember her child with pleasure instead of grief. To remember that he was dead, but to remember him without pain: he's dead of course but she still loves him, and that love isn't morbid or bloodstained or unsightly, it doesn't need to be shoved away.

Hopefully you are able to piece these quotes from the book together and make sense of what I read/felt.

Conversation with Callie

A few weeks ago my niece Callie (4 years old)was in town. The two of us were in my car and I asked her what I should name the new baby. She likes Spencer best. We then had the following conversation.

Callie- How come Scott had to die?
Me- Heavenly Father needed him to be a missionary in Heaven.
Callie- Scott's a missionary?
Me- Yep.
Callie- But I never even got to see him.

Riley often tells me she misses Scott and that she wishes he didn't die. I am so grateful that my family has talked to their children about Scott. It makes me happy whenever the little ones talk about their cousin.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I love my baby boy so much and miss having him with me each day. I think about him daily and wish I could give him a kiss. I think what he would be like as he grows each day. I think of watching Hayden interact with him. I am grateful for the knowledge of eternal families and that I know we will be together again.

This is the poem that was on the program for Scott's funeral.

I'm going to tell you something
I hope you'll never have to know.
I'll tell you how a heart can break
And tears can constant flow.
I lost my baby boy you see,
An angel in my eyes
God chose to take his hand one day
And led him to the skies.
But please do not forget my child
He was a person too
And forever he will live
Inside of me and you.
So, please don't ever tell me
That time will heal my pain
Because not even time
Can bring him back again.
Just tell me he is happy
In that land way up above
He's snuggled in an angels wings
All wrapped in Mommy's love.

Author Unknown

A Walk to Remember

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, October is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Month. Today was the 13th annual Walk to Remember at Larkin Sunset Lawn. I feel very blessed that we were able to attend today. We were able to order shirts and other items with our baby's name on them.

There was a short program and then a short walk and balloon release. One of the women on the Share board read a sweet poem and introduced the speakers. I wish I had a copy of the poem because it rings so true. I talks about when we talk about our baby it might bring a tear to our eye but how much joy it brings to our hearts to hear other call our baby by name. It is so true. I love to hear others talk about my precious little Scott.

The speakers had a baby die 41 years ago when he was 18 hours old. Richard Pual Evans, author of The Christmas Box, contacted them 14 years ago to help with an angel statue that is now placed in Salt Lake City Cemetary to represent the child of the woman in the book ho visited her baby's grave. It is beautiful statue. It was so sweet to listen to the mother talk about her baby and tell us that life goes on but you never forget and even 41 years later shed a tear for your sweet baby.

A girl then sang a song called Calling All Angels, that I believe her brother had written when his baby girl died. After this short program we went outside and took a balloon and wrote our child's name on it. They then read all the babies names and we released our balloon when our baby's name was read.

It is so difficult to have a baby die but I was overwhelmed by the feelings I felt as some families had multiple childrens' names read. I cannot even imagine the pain those mothers must feel to go through such a difficult trial multiple times. I hope and pray that Heavenly Father does not see fit for me to experience this ever again. But with my current pregnancy I can't help but wonder if holding this baby in my womb is going to be the only chance I have to be with him too.

At the end of the balloon release they had refreshments and a rose for each of the mothers. It was a tearful event for me but such a wonderful experience as well to think about my precious Scott.

Headstone

Scott's headstone was finally set today. As I drove into the cemetery, hoping it would be there but not knowing for sure, I was a little nervous. I quickly could tell that it was there and could do nothing but smile. I am so happy to finally have it in place. It feels wonderful to see my baby's name in print and know that it will be seen by many others as well. I don't even have the words to accurately portray my feelings.

As we left the cemetery, Hayden kept waving and saying, "Bye Scott." I love that Hayden is learning about his little brother.

I Have Footprints on My Heart

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The Share Foundation has an annual Walk to Remember.In Salt Lake the 2008 Walk to Remember and balloon release will be held October 11, 200 at 1:00 pm at the Larkin Mortuary.

Larkin Sunset Lawn

2350 East 1300 South

Salt Lake City, UT 84108

In Davis County the Walk is at 10:00 at the Layton Park. There are also different walks all over the country.

I am really looking forward to participating in this event. You you are anyone you know is interested please pass on this information or contact me for more.

There are shirts available with your baby's name and other memorabilia. The orders need to be in by September 26. So please don't wait to share this information.

Here are the links for the Share Foundation

Salt Lake http://www.shareparentsofutah.org/index.html

Davis County http://www.utahshare.org/4436.html

National http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/index.shtml

Week 23

I am just beginning my 23rd week of pregnancy. I was in my 23rd week when Scott was born. The nurses and doctors at the hospital told me that babies born at this stage have no chance of survival. I just finished updating the pregnancy information on the side of my blog. I copy and paste that information directly from http://www.parents.com/. It says that by the end of the week the survival rate is 85%. I was 22 weeks 5 days, or in other words two days short of "the end of the week." Why did they not even attempt to do anything for my baby?

Memorial Service

We had Scott's service on Thursday, 07 August 2007. It was a wonderful day for our family. Thanks to all of those who participated in this special day with our family. Thanks Sarah for the wonderful pictures.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Memorial Service

Dear Family and Friends

When Scott was born in December, Joe and I made the uneducated decision to allow the hospital to care of Scott's tiny body. This is a decision that has been very hard to deal with since that time. About six weeks ago I wrote a letter to the hospital explaining some of my concerns with the lack of information and support I received while in the hospital. Two or three weeks ago Joe and I decided we would like to purchase burial plots for the two of us and we would place a headstone for Scott on one of the plots. This week, Tuesday, I received a letter from the hospital in response to my letter. One thing the letter said was that they contacted the gentleman who does the cremations for them, and he still had the remains of Scott. They gave me his name and number and I called him. He was very kind and said he has been dealing with this for long enough that he knows often times parents desire to have their baby back, so he keeps them in case they call. He also said he is continually taking to the hospital trying to get them to give parents more information. Yesterday he delivered Scott's remains to us.

We will be having a memorial service next Thursday to dedicate the grave and bury Scott's remains. We would love to have anyone who would like to participate in this special ceremony with us.

Thursday, August 7, 2008
10:00am
Riverton City Cemetery
1500 W 13200 S

If you will be in attendance please let me know so that I know how many to plan on. Thank you so much for your prayers and support the last several months.

Joe & Jessica Young

PS I know I do not have email addresses for everyone I should. If you know someone who would want to come please pass on the information?

Ups and Downs

Yesterday marked seven months since Scott was born. Oh how I wish he could have stayed here on Earth with us. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my precious little angel baby. As you can imagine there have been a lot of ups and downs in the last seven months. Thankfully I have Hayden, who brings so much joy into my life.

I have the molds of Scott on the shelf in the family room. Hayden loves to hold them. A few weeks ago Hayden began saying Scott. It sounds more like "A-dot." It is adorable. Last Friday Hayden walked over to the shelf, put his hands out and said, "A-dot" to show me he wanted to hold the molds. It makes me so happy that even though Scott isn't with us he is still part of our family and Hayden is learning about him. That was a big "UP" for me.

Unfortunately not everything is an "UP." Friday afternoon I was reading blogs. Sarah (her baby girl, Savannah, was stillborn in Feb.) had a link on her blog to a family whose baby was still born a few weeks ago. It is so heartbreaking to me to know that there are so many families dealing with this very difficult situation. I bawled for so long on Friday, partly because of the sadness I feel because Scott isn't here but partly because of the sorrow I feel for this family as well.

Saturday I was shopping and Wal-Mart and I saw someone that looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. As I was standing by the door he had walked out and walked back in to come talk to me. He said, "You're Allen's sister, right?" As soon as he said that I realized it was my brother's friend Andy. He told me Allen had told him about my baby and he just wanted to say he was sorry. It meant so much to me that he would go out of his way to do this.

So many people avoid talking about Scott. Please know that Scott is a part of my family. I love him so much and I love to talk about him. It is so much harder for me when people forget about him or think that I am pregnant with my second child. Please, if you ever are wondering something about me, Scott, the experience of losing a baby etc., please don't hesitate to ask. It does not make me uncomfortable. I love to talk about my baby.

Research Study

I am participating in a research study about spontaneous preterm births. I met with the doctor, Dr. Esplin, yesterday. (I met Dr. Esplin at the hospital the day Scott was born.) In addition to the study he will be seeing me throughout my pregnancy as I am being treated high risk.

I see Dr. Esplin three times for the study. Each time the will collect every kind of liquid sample they can get from me. They also do an ultrasound at each of those visits. The next time I see him for the research study will be in 3 weeks, I think.

I will see him at 18 weeks and the will start me on progesterone to keep hormone levels high. They will also do an ultrasound to check my cervix. They will check it again at 20 and 24 weeks to see if I have an incompetent cervix and need it sewn shut. They also check me for infection every time since that was the problem with Scott.

Because Scott was born early I have a 30% chance of having another preterm birth this time. That is not to say I would deliver at 23 weeks, but sometime before 37 weeks. Depending on how things go they might start me on steroids as early as 24 weeks to help the baby's lungs develop quicker. They will also watch me closely for contractions and see if I need to be on bed rest. But right now everything looks good.

I feel really good about doing this study and seeing Dr. Esplin. He said we will take every precaution with this pregnancy. I was glad when he said if I am every nervous or concerned to call him and he will get me in. He doesn't want me home worrying.

It was confirmed during the ultrasound that there is only one baby. I was kind of hoping for twins. I think it is a girl. Do you have a prediction?

SLY as a Fox

Before Scott was born we decided if we had a boy his name would be Scott Leland Young. We quickly noticed his initials, SLY. I often joked that we would have a sly little fox on our hands. I would say "when he is in high school the girls are going to tell him he's foxxy."

Last week Joe and I purchased this darling little fox stuffed animal. I was so excited when it was finally delivered last night. I have been checking the mail frequently. It is so soft. I love it.
Laura and Sarah, we better watch out, my sly little fox might be after one of your girls in the millennium. (Especially if he is at all as much of a flirt as Hayden is.)

Mother's Day

My sister helped me make this to give to my mom and Joe's mom for Mother's Day. I had wanted to give them molds of Scott's feet but we can't get the plaster molds to come out of the mold without breaking. I love the way it turned out.