Mixed Emotions

I was so excited to come to the hospital today knowing I was going to give birth to my baby boy but I was also very nervous as I remembered the pain of having a c-section, epidural, IV, catheter, etc. As I entered the labor and delivery unit the desk nurse was with someone and asked me to have a seat and wait for a moment. As soon as I sat down I noticed a box on the counter. I knew immediately what it contained. It is the box that contains the hand and feet molds of a baby who died. I was overcome with sadness not only thinking about my Scott but for the mother and father of that baby, knowing the grief they are dealing with.

The labor room I was taken to was the room right next to the one were I gave birth to Scott. I was so afraid the nurse was taking me to the same room but turned one door sooner. I was grateful it wasn't the same room (I would have asked for a different room). Joe could tell something was wrong and asked me what I was thinking about. I said I didn't want to talk about it but he knew I was thinking about Scott and I couldn't help the tears from falling.

While I was in the operating room Joe sat right next to me and held my hand. When the baby was born I heard him cry a sweet little cry. The tears started flowing immediately. Al I could say to myself is "he's alive, he's alive." I was so grateful for the sounds of a crying baby. I remember while I labored with Scott hoping and praying the doctors and nurses would be wrong and that he would be born alive. I waited to hear the sounds of a crying baby but he was born still and silent.

Oh how I miss my little Scott. I love Parker so much. I love him for who he is but it will never take away from the love I have for Scott and will never replace him. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for each one of my precious baby boys. I am grateful to have Hayden and Parker here on Earth with me. I am equally grateful to have Scott as my angel baby and I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with him. I keep finding myself wishing Parker could talk and tell me about his brother Scott.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has allowed me to be a mother. Words cannot express the love I feel as I hold my sweet children.